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BREAKING Local Rabbi Confirms Winter Is Coming — God Reportedly Unavailable for Comment Until After Shabbat
Religion

God Releases Formal Statement Clarifying He Never Said "Chosen," He Said "Frozen"

A miscommunication dating back approximately 3,400 years is now believed to be the source of "most of recorded history," according to sources close to the matter.

By MOSHE FEINBLATT, Senior Theology Correspondent  |  Updated 6:00 AM

In what theologians are calling "overdue," God issued a formal clarification Monday regarding the foundational premise of the Jewish faith, confirming that the word used at Mount Sinai was, in fact, "frozen," referring to weather conditions at the summit, and not "chosen," as has been widely reported for millennia.

"We deeply regret the confusion," read the statement, delivered via burning shrubbery in a suburb of Boca Raton. "The acoustics on that mountain were genuinely terrible. Has anyone been up there? It's very windy."

Rabbinical scholars say the clarification raises significant questions about the Torah, Talmud, and several dry-cleaning receipts. The Vatican has not yet responded. A spokesperson for the Vatican said they were "aware of the statement" and would "get back to us Monday," which was the day the statement was issued.

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Tel Aviv Stock Market Closes Four Hours Early, Citing "The Beach Is Right There"

Economists say the closure had no measurable impact on the economy. "Everyone was already at the beach," confirmed one economist, also at the beach.

Science

Study Finds Hummus Consumption Inversely Correlated With Understanding of Geopolitics

Researchers at Hebrew University say the more hummus consumed per capita, the less a population tends to understand why anyone would argue about it.

"We did not ask to be the Chosen People. We asked for a receipt."
— Source Withheld, Citing Ongoing Theological Negotiations
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